Jan 4, 20234 min read

A Fractured Homage To The Apple

An apple (cunningly labeled “to the fairest”) started the Trojan War. (Odysseus, later struggling to get home from that same war, yearns for the garden he had as a child, populated by apple trees.) The Norse gods owed their immortality to apples. The Arabian Nights features a magic apple from Samarkand capable of curing all human diseases—predating the belief that an apple a day will keep the doctor away, a proverb that first appeared in print in 1866. Robert Frost, Emily Dickinson, and Dylan Thomas all wrote poems about apples; and everyone from Caravaggio to Magritte painted them.

Funnily enough, one place where the ubiquitous apple does not appear is in the Old Testament’s Book of Genesis. The original story of Adam, Eve, the snake, and the forbidden Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil mentions only an unspecified “fruit,” thus opening up centuries of debate over what the hapless First Couple actually ate.

Today we are presenting our own hi-story of the apple in keeping with the style of one of our favorite segments – Fractured Fairy Tales – from one of our all-time favorite cartoon series – Rocky & Bullwinkle.

Once upon a time, in a world where fruits were apparently sentient and capable of having grand adventures, there was an apple.

This particular apple was, to put it mildly, a bit of a mess. It was always causing chaos wherever it went, and yet somehow, it managed to become one of the most iconic and beloved fruits of all time. How did that happen, you might ask? Well, it’s a long and winding road from the beginning to the end of its story,

but we’ll do our best to summarize it for you.

The apple’s story starts, as all good stories do, with its birth. As a mere seed,

the apple was content to lounge around inside its mother tree’s womb in the mountains of Kazakhstan, waiting for the day it would finally get to see the world. Sadly, our apple never knew who its father was (DNA tests later revealed dad went by the last name of Rosaceae. The little apple was actually part of the Rose family and it was related to pears, plums, peaches, cherries, strawberries, and raspberries. Apparently, dad was quite the pollinator in his day!)

As it turns out, the apple was not one for patience. It grew tired of waiting and decided to take matters into its own (nonexistent) hands. With a mighty push, the apple burst forth from its cozy cocoon and tumbled to the ground below.

From there, the apple set out on its grand adventure. It met all sorts of interesting characters along the way – birds and bees and butterflies and more! It learned all sorts of new things, like how to pollinate flowers and how to play hide-and-seek with the sun. But, as with all good things, the apple’s adventure eventually came to an end.

You see, as the days went on, the apple started to get a little bit….well, hungry. And as it wandered through the forest, searching for something tasty to eat, it came across a group of mischievous little creatures known as humans.

Now, humans were a curious bunch. They were always poking and prodding and asking questions, and they seemed to have a particular fascination with apples. So, when they saw the apple, they couldn’t resist the temptation to give it a try.

At first, the apple was, wisely, a bit hesitant. It had never really interacted with humans before, and it wasn’t quite sure what to expect. But as it turned out, humans were actually pretty friendly! They gave the apple lots of love and attention, and before long, the apple was feeling right at home.

It learned how to read poetry and appreciate fine art – but only when it was the main focus of the work.

As the years went on, the apple and humans became the best of friends. They spent their days exploring the forest together, learning to cook, having picnics and playing games. And whenever the apple was feeling a little bit puckish, the humans would always have a tasty treat on hand – whether it was a a warm gooey batch of apple crumble or a crisp, delicious slice of apple pie.

But as the apple’s fame and fortune grew, it couldn’t help but get a little bit….well, annoying. It started to think that it was the most important fruit in the world, and it treated all the other fruits with disdain. It was as if the apple had completely forgotten its humble beginnings and the simple pleasure of its youth.

And so, even to this day, the apple (in all of its nearly 8,000 varieties) remains one of the most insufferable and arrogant fruits of all time. Its story is one of entitlement, greed, and a complete lack of self-awareness – a true testament to the worst aspects it picked up, no doubt, from its good friend, the humans.

But hey, at least it’s not a banana!