Car Innovations That – Thankfully – Failed

Cars today are indeed marvels of technology, stuffed to the gills with gadgets and gizmos that would have made James Bond green with envy. Think about it: if you had casually suggested to someone back in 2004 that one day soon their humble sedan would not only park itself but also gently whisper directions in a soothing voice while keeping an eye out for anything lurking in their blind spots, they’d probably have laughed you out of the room. Yet, here we are, coasting into the future, side-stepping around driverless Ubers like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Welcome to 2024, where cars are starting to feel a little smarter than their drivers.

But for every gleaming Tesla that effortlessly steers itself down the highway, there have been a few...er, missteps, shall we say, along the way. History is littered with auto industry experiments that didn’t so much blaze a trail as veer wildly off-road and into the ditch. These weren’t just minor tweaks or miscalculations. No, these were full-blown, eyebrow-raising, what-were-they-thinking innovations that somehow made it past the planning stage. Some were ambitious, others downright delusional, and all were memorable for exactly the wrong reasons.

The thing is failure in the automotive world doesn’t always mean a recall notice or a blow to the manufacturer’s reputation - it can mean an invention that’s just a bit too far ahead (or behind…or outside….) of its time. But let's not get all misty-eyed about progress. For every rear-view camera and automated braking system, there’s an automotive engineer somewhere still weeping over their solar-powered headlight prototype. So, fasten your seatbelt tight as we look at some strange, wonderful, and sometimes downright bizarre car innovations that – thankfully – failed but still remind us that the road to technological glory is often paved with profoundly questionable ideas.

Before Cars There Were Horses

Back at the turn of the 20th century, when the automobile was slowly edging out the horse-drawn carriage, some inventive souls decided that slapping a fake horse's head onto the front of cars might ease the shock for both the public and, hilariously enough, the horses themselves.

The logic behind it was, to say the lease, quaint. Apparently, there was genuine concern that horses might freak out upon encountering these loud, smoke-belching metal contraptions whizzing past them on the streets. So, someone figured that if you attached a lifelike horse's head to the front of the car, it would trick horses into thinking, “Ah, it’s just another fellow equine,” instead of, “Oh God, what is that mechanical beast hurtling toward me?”

In theory, this visual familiarity would also comfort humans who, at the time, still saw horses as integral to transportation.

As you might imagine, this horse-head-on-a-car gimmick didn’t last very long (though it did make a sort of return appearance in the 1972 movie “The Godfather”). It turns out that people, much like horses, quickly got over the shock of motor vehicles and accepted the fact that these new machines didn’t need the sentimental trappings of their four-legged predecessors. And this transitional innovation went the way of the buggy whip.

The Ford Nucleon

This was Ford’s 1958 vision of a nuclear-powered car. Yes, you read that right: nuclear-powered, as in fission, reactors, and all the stuff they used to tell you to hide under your desk for in case of an emergency.

The idea behind the Nucleon was, frankly, ambitious to the point of being audacious. Ford’s engineers looked at the sprawling gas stations dotting post-war America and thought, “What if we just… didn’t need these anymore?” Their vision was a car powered by a small nuclear reactor tucked neatly in the back, sort of like having your own personal Chernobyl on wheels. Instead of stopping for fuel, you’d simply swap out the reactor core at specialized service stations, which sounds both futuristic and mildly terrifying. One could only imagine the road rage incidents involving something with the explosive power of a Cold War bomb.

Unsurprisingly (and thankfully), the Nucleon never made it past the concept stage. Even in the atomic optimism of the 1950s, the practical (and safety) concerns of driving around with a mini nuclear reactor strapped to your car were hard to ignore. Radiation shielding, reactor maintenance, and the ever-so-slight possibility of, you know, nuclear fallout from a fender bender, all contributed to this wild idea being shelved.  

The Dog Sack

Nowadays, the solution is simple: if you don't have enough space or get worried and bothered by dog hair in your car or apartment, don't get one. However, in the 1930’s, car manufacturers thought that you can still own a dog, even if you're bothered by all these things.

The purpose of the dog sack was, in theory, to give the family dog a little taste of fresh air while you cruised along, presumably without sacrificing interior space or cluttering up your stylish car. Mounted to the side of the car, the dog sack was a canvas or mesh bag that attached to the exterior of the vehicle. It dangled off the side like an extra-large saddlebag, with your dog secured inside, its head presumably poking out to feel the breeze.

In practice, however, the dog sack was pretty much a disaster. For one thing, driving with a live animal strapped to the side of your car - exposed to the elements, debris, and whatever hapless creatures you might be passing at speed - was hardly the safest let alone comfortable arrangement. And while the idea of giving your dog a better view of the passing countryside might sound quaint, it seems clear in hindsight that sticking them in a glorified hammock at 60 mph was something the humane society might frown on.

The Fifth Wheel

Two words can frustrate even the best drivers of all time: parallel parking. Sometimes people spend years, and they cannot parallel park, no matter how much space there is. But automakers had a solution to this problem, particularly Cadillac. They created a fifth wheel.

The purpose of the fifth wheel was simple: to make parking a car in tight spaces as easy as possible, even for the most directionally challenged drivers. Cars in the '50s were massive steel behemoths - giant land yachts that made maneuvering into a narrow spot a test of patience, skill, and often, neighbors’ good graces. So, rather than making cars smaller (which would’ve been too practical), engineers instead designed a retractable fifth wheel that could be deployed from the trunk area to assist with tricky parking jobs.

Here’s how it functioned: when you found yourself needing to park, you would activate the fifth wheel, typically located underneath the rear of the car. This wheel, mounted perpendicular to the other four, would drop down to the pavement and effectively lift the back end of the car slightly off the ground. Once deployed, the fifth wheel could pivot the rear of the vehicle sideways, allowing the car to shimmy into a tight spot without requiring the tedious back-and-forth maneuvers. It was a bit like giving your car the ability to crab-walk into a parking space.

As clever as this sounds, it never quite caught on, likely because the mechanical complexity and cost of adding an extra wheel to the mix outweighed the convenience.

The Car with a Mini-Bar

The 1957 Cadillac Eldorado Brougham was a car so luxuriously excessive, it makes today’s high-end vehicles look like glorified go-karts. This wasn’t just any Cadillac; this was the Cadillac of Cadillacs, the flagship of American automotive opulence, and naturally, it came with everything a driver might need for an elegant ride, including, yes, a minibar tucked away discreetly in the glovebox or the center armrest.

It featured a stainless-steel flask and four metal shot glasses, magnetized to prevent them from rattling or spilling during your, hopefully smooth, drive.

The historical context, of course, explains a lot. The 1950s were an era of lavish excess - futuristic gadgets, bigger-than-life cars, and a general disregard for practical concerns like, say, the legality or wisdom of mixing alcohol with driving. It was the golden age of American consumerism, where luxury and status were synonymous with bigger, flashier, and more indulgent. And nothing says “indulgence” like pouring yourself a stiff drink while cruising in your 5,000-pound land yacht.

Why did the Eldorado Brougham minibar, along with the car itself, ultimately fail? Well, there were a few reasons. First, the minibar - while a marvelously decadent idea – was a legal and public relations nightmare waiting to happen. Drunk driving was only starting to become recognized as a major safety issue around this time, and the idea of sipping bourbon while behind the wheel wasn’t exactly something the authorities could look past for long.

Additionally, the Eldorado Brougham was astronomically expensive, costing over $13,000 - more than a Rolls-Royce at the time. And while it was loaded with gadgets, many of them proved to be high-maintenance and unreliable. The production costs and limited market for such a high-end vehicle eventually made it unsustainable. In the end, the 1957 Cadillac Eldorado Brougham, minibar and all, became just a curious icon of 1950s luxury. Today, it stands as a reminder of an era when auto design wasn’t just about getting from point A to point B, but about doing so with a martini in hand and an air of unapologetic excess.

Built-In Record Players

If this sounds wildly impractical to you, well, you wouldn’t be wrong.

The concept of an in-car record player debuted in the late 1950s. Chrysler was one of the first to offer it as an optional luxury feature under the brand name "Highway Hi-Fi" in their 1956 models. The system was designed in collaboration with CBS Laboratories, who created a special record format to be used exclusively in the car. These records were smaller than standard vinyl—about seven inches in diameter—and played at a very slow 16 ⅔ RPM (revolutions per minute), which allowed for up to an hour of playtime per side. It was a technical marvel that let drivers listen to full-length albums while on the road.

The major problem with in-car record players was exactly what you'd expect: cars move, and records do not like to be jostled. Even with special shock absorbers and a needle designed to resist skipping, the experience of driving with a needle delicately tracing a vinyl groove was a disaster. Every bump, pothole, or sharp turn would send the needle bouncing across the record, turning your smooth listening experience into a cacophony of skips, scratches, and needle screeches.

The Highway Hi-Fi system also required special proprietary records, which were hard to come by and had limited selection. This meant that, once you got tired of your collection of classical music, Broadway show tunes, and news broadcasts (which made up most of the offerings), you were back to the same old AM radio. There was no room for rock 'n' roll, jazz, or anything particularly exciting.

The format never gained widespread popularity, and by the early 1960s, the idea of a car-friendly turntable was already outdated, being replaced by 8-track tapes, which were much more suited to the rigors of automotive life.

The Exhaust Hamburger Fryer

This was an absurdly ambitious attempt to combine America’s two great loves: fast cars and fast food.

The concept was simple enough: the exhaust from your car's engine would be funneled through a chamber containing raw hamburger patties (or any other food that was deemed appropriate for mobile cuisine). The heat from the exhaust would then cook the meat as you drove.

From a practical standpoint, this might sound clever - you're already generating waste heat, so why not put it to use? But from a health and safety perspective, it was an absolute disaster waiting to happen. For starters, exhaust fumes are laden with all kinds of toxic gases - carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxides, and hydrocarbons - that you generally don’t want anywhere near your food. The idea of cooking a burger in the same pipe through which these toxic fumes travel was, to put it mildly, a bit reckless.

Then of course there was the minor issue of temperature control. Exhaust systems aren't exactly designed for precision cooking. And who really wants a burger that tasted like it was marinated in motor oil.  

The In-Car Toilet

This was a car innovation that came from a time when automotive engineers seemed to believe there was no limit to what a car could do. After all, nothing says “luxury travel” quite like answering nature’s call without stepping out of your moving vehicle.

The idea was simple: long-distance travel could be made far more convenient if passengers never had to leave the car for something as mundane as a bathroom break. In a few experimental models, a small, portable chemical toilet was tucked discreetly away in the back seat, beneath cushions, or even in a specially designed compartment. You could relieve yourself while cruising the highways, all in the name of modern comfort.

Of course, the concept had serious drawbacks - so many that it’s almost surprising the idea even made it off the drawing board. First, let’s talk about space. Cars, especially those of the 1950s and 1960s, were big, but they weren’t exactly designed to accommodate full plumbing systems. Trying to fit a toilet in a vehicle already crammed with ashtrays, cigarette lighters, and, in some cases, a minibar (looking at you, Cadillac Eldorado), meant something had to give, and it usually wasn’t the driver’s dignity.

Then, there was the issue of hygiene. Early in-car toilets were little more than glorified porta-potties, relying on chemical solutions to neutralize odors and sanitize waste. But no matter how much chemical magic was involved, the simple fact remained: no one wanted to be in a closed space - especially one that was already a hotbox of leather, gasoline fumes, and cigarette smoke - while someone else was using the bathroom. The idea of doing your business a few feet away from your fellow passengers while stuck in traffic suddenly made roadside rest stops look like a luxury spa experience. Fortunately, we’ve all agreed to keep the bathroom where it belongs: far, far away from the driver’s seat.

The BMW Flamethrower

Yes, you read that correctly. Though not officially developed or endorsed by BMW, this terrifyingly real, and thankfully short-lived, innovation introduced in South Africa in the 1990’s, was designed for one purpose: to set potential carjackers on fire.

South Africa in the '90s was experiencing a wave of violent crime and carjackings had become disturbingly common. In response to this, one particularly inventive (or perhaps unhinged) engineer, Charl Fourie, came up with a solution that made even the most aggressive anti-theft devices look tame: the Blaster - a flame-spewing security system for your car.

The Blaster was mounted under the sides of the car, just beneath the doors. If a driver felt threatened, they could engage the system, which would unleash a burst of flame directed at the would-be carjacker. Fourie marketed the system as a non-lethal form of self-defense, stating that while it could cause severe burns, the flamethrower wasn’t powerful enough to kill anyone - although that’s hardly a comforting thought if you were the one engulfed in fire.

 While the intention was to protect the driver, the potential for collateral damage - like burning pedestrians, damaging nearby vehicles, or even igniting fuel spills - was high. Not to mention, the notion of driving around with a weaponized car capable of spewing fire at the press of a button. Imagine fumbling for your AC and accidentally scorching a cyclist. Setting someone on fire isn’t exactly the kind of non-lethal deterrent that goes over well in a courtroom.

Ultimately, while the Blaster flamethrower did see some use in South Africa, it never caught on globally, thank goodness! The idea of a flamethrower-equipped car feels more like something from “Mad Max” or a challenge in GTA than a real-world safety measure.

Looking back over the course of automotive history, these bizarre innovations serve as cautionary tales. They remind us that just because something can be done doesn’t always mean it should be done. For every sleek electric vehicle quietly zipping along the road today, there’s a dog sack or an exhaust burger cooker lurking in the archives of automotive ambition driven off a cliff. These ideas, wild as they were, represent a certain fearless creativity - a willingness to push the envelope of possibility, even when that envelope was clearly unfit for polite society.

Failure, as it turns out, is often the backseat driver of progress. These oddball concepts might’ve steered straight into absurdity, but they also laid the groundwork for the thoughtful designs we take for granted today. That rear-view camera? It had a few dodgy cousins along the way. The smooth handling of parallel parking? Somewhere, a fifth-wheel engineer is muttering, “You’re welcome.” Innovation’s road isn’t always smooth or straightforward - it’s filled with potholes, detours, and the occasional flaming BMW.

So, the next time you slide behind the wheel of your modern marvel of a car, maybe give a quiet nod to those long-forgotten failures. They may not have revolutionized the auto industry, but they sure as hell made the ride more interesting.

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