In a world where animal courtship often involves flaunting the most vibrant feathers or executing the flashiest dance moves, human flirting seems to operate on a different wavelength altogether. From the lofty realms of ancient Rome, where a well-placed eyebrow raise could start a scandal, to the intricate instructions of the Hindu Kama Sutra, which probably made medieval lovebirds feel downright inadequate, the art of wooing has seen more twists and turns than a Shakespearean comedy.
Enter the Middle Ages, where courtly love reigned supreme, and chivalrous knights penned sonnets to their beloveds with quills sharper than their swords. Fast forward to the roaring 1930s in Berlin, where the dance floors pulsed with the rhythm of forbidden desires and smoky gazes spoke volumes in the shadow of looming political turmoil.
And now, here we are, in the age of Tinder and digital dalliances, where a simple swipe left or right holds the power to determine the trajectory of modern romance. In a world where emojis reign supreme and "Netflix and chill" has become a universally understood language, the evolution of flirting has taken on a new dimension—one where subtlety and nuance compete with the blunt force of instant gratification.
According to a large body of supporting evidence, males across many different species produce courtship signals that honestly advertise their quality.
The cost of producing or performing these signals maintains honesty, such that females are typically able to choose the best males by selecting those that produce the loudest, brightest, longest, or otherwise highest-intensity signals, using signal strength as a measure of quality.
Set against this background, human flirting behavior, characterized by its frequent subtlety or covertness, is mysterious.
Against the backdrop of signaling theory and the biological imperative to attract mates, human flirting remains an enigma wrapped in a mystery. How did we evolve from the grand gestures of our ancestors to the often not-so-subtle nuances of contemporary courtship? Or were our ancestors more direct in their flirtatious advances than we realized? Join us as we embark on a journey through the ages, unraveling the tangled web of human flirtation and decoding the signals that have shaped the course of romantic history. This week we take a brief look at
the art of flirting: from Ovid to Tinder.
While we’d like to start at the very beginning (apple sharing aside)
there’s really not much we can know about how prehistoric humans flirted with each other. But we do think it’s pretty safe to assume that “caveman” courtship didn’t involve clubbing (in the oldest sense of the word).
Research has found that early humans seem to have recognized the dangers of inbreeding at least 34,000 years ago and developed sophisticated social and mating networks to avoid it.
Some elements of flirting, however, are eternal. Believed to have been written sometime around the 2nd century BCE, the Kama Sutra,
the classic Hindu sexual instruction manual, includes several suggestions on ways for men to flirt successfully with women. Some are completely understandable and hold true to this day.
For example, regarding physical appearance, men are advised to maintain good hygiene and dress to enhance their attractiveness; men should cultivate charm and wit as part of their seductive repertoire and having a sense of humor is good; the Kama Sutra advocates for the use of romantic gestures and acts of kindness to woo a woman. These gestures may include offering gifts, writing love letters or poetry, planning thoughtful dates, and creating memorable experiences that resonate with the woman's interests and preferences.
On the other hand, some are, to this day to most of us, still a puzzle and an enigma. For example, the Kama Sutra suggests that men should possess a deep understanding of female psychology and emotions. It says that by being attentive and empathetic to a woman's needs and desires, men can establish emotional intimacy and build trust. Well, we did get away from the whole inbreeding thing, so maybe there’s hope that we’ll be able to figure this one out someday as well.
Jumping ahead a few years to ancient Rome we come upon another instruction book, Ar Armatoria, written by one of Rome’s favorite sons, Ovid. Ovid was a law school dropout who became a poet. His poetry was invariably about love, and of a far more emotional style than was the norm for his day. He loved women, and by the age of 30 had been married three times and divorced twice. In Ar Amatoria Book 1, his seduction manual for men on how-to pick-up girls, he purports to teach any student how to do what he knows how to do. “Let anyone who lacks the art of love read on, and having read, his ignorance is gone!” he declares. Here are a couple excerpts:
To Pick Up Girls, Go Where They Are
“She won’t come down from thin air, straight down from clear blue skies,” Ovid says. You must go to where she is. Just as “the hunter knows just where the stag will find his snare, and knows the gnashing boar’s most likely lair”, the romantic, too, must know how to find women. Unsurprisingly, one top recommendation is Rome: “Rome will yield so many pretty girls each day that ‘Here is all the world’ is what you’ll say. … Like teeming fish; like birds amidst the leaves, or stars their skies? Far more, the girls who haunt this Rome.”
But, Ovid says, “theaters are best, where seats curve up in layers.” The theaters will answer your prayers for a girl. “You’ll find there one to love, or one to only play with; someone to sample, or someone to stay with.” Like lines of ants or swarms of bumblebees in meadows “the smartest women crowd the shows in numbers, till my faltering judgment goes.” And, in a prescient tip of the toga to Tinder, he says “they come to see and be seen, in the theater. A place that’s lethal to all chastity.”
How to Pick Up Girls at the Roman Circus
There’s no need for secrecy at the Circus, Ovid says, “Just sit beside her; it’s the open-seating plan, so nudge against her thigh the best you can. Like it or not, the seats mean closeness, and that’s good; tight spaces leave you touching where you should.” Ovid advises small talk, saying, “Look for an opening for harmless social chat, starting with public words (what’s wrong with that?).” He then suggests you ask which horses are coming in, and whichever are her favorites, tell her you think those will win.
When the parade of gods goes by, clap loudly and unashamedly for Lady Venus (the goddess of love and beauty) – in other words, make it very obvious to her you’re quite fond of love and the fairer sex.
Chatting Up Girls at a Victory Parade
When the Roman legions return home from a conquest abroad, and they’re parading the defeated leaders of the conquered enemy nation through the streets in chains, find a celebrating girl and answer her questions about what mountain they’re from, or what land, or what king is being paraded. Not sure who they are? Make a name up, says Ovid! “If you don’t know, respond as if you did: ‘This one’s Euphrates, wreathed with reeds; and that one there is Tigris with the deep-blue, dripping hair. Those? They’re Persians, from the race of Danaë. That? Some quaint Parthian place. Each one will be some chief; give him his proper name – or not. If you don’t know, it’s all the same.”
Now granted, Ovid might not have had the tact or sophistication of the Kama Sutra, but he evidently struck a chord since he’s still one of ancient Rome’s most renowned citizens.
Flirting has taken many strange forms in different cultures. There are the Slovakian herders who court their future spouses by cracking their whips—believing that the snapping rhythms are conducive to romance. (Obviously to some.)
In some parts of Australia, the bullroarer is believed to compel a woman to fall in love with a man at a distance of eighty kilometers.
In medieval Europe, the best way to a woman’s heart was apparently through the nose. In some accounts, European men would wear handkerchiefs underneath their armpits before attending a dance. Afterwards, the man would use his sweat-scented hankie to wipe the perspiration off his love interest’s face. Presumably, the girl would find the scent irresistible and fall madly in love with the man.
In traditional Japanese culture, the exchange of poetic love letters on folded fans, known as "hakusen," was a cherished romantic tradition. These intricately decorated fans served as a canvas for heartfelt expressions of love and longing, often accompanied by delicate brushstrokes and lyrical poetry. The act of composing and exchanging hakusen was considered a deeply intimate and romantic gesture, allowing individuals to articulate their deepest emotions in a beautifully crafted work of art.
Speaking of fans, did you know that European’s once had a fan language? During the 18th century in Europe, particularly in countries like France and England, the language of the fan became a sophisticated form of non-verbal communication among the upper classes. Different gestures and movements with the fan held specific meanings, allowing individuals to convey messages discreetly in social settings. For example, touching the tip of the fan to the lips could signify coquetry or flirtation, while closing the fan abruptly might signal rejection or disinterest.
There was an infinite variety of emotions that could be communicated in just the flutter of a fan. There was the angry flutter, the modish flutter, the timorous flutter, the confused flutter, the merry flutter, and, of course, the amorous flutter.
The Victorian Era was a truly complicated time for flirting because the Victorian man or woman needed to be well-versed in the specific language of many different inanimate objects in order to not give the wrong signal to their intended flirtee. There was, for example, the handkerchief:
the glove:
the hat:
the parasol:
the windows:
and even postage stamps could send their own messages
And flower giving was no less complicated as evidenced by the romantic notes of Victorian Tussie-Mussies. Tussie-mussies, also known as "talking bouquets," were small, fragrant bouquets of flowers popular during the Victorian era.
The language of love was conveyed through flowers and every educated young lady and gentleman knew the meaning of each flower presented. By presenting a tussie-mussie to a potential suitor or love interest, individuals could convey complex messages and sentiments and express their feelings in a subtle and romantic manner, with each flower speaking volumes without the need for words.
In the United States, things have always been a bit more relaxed. The language of love, we think, was always more direct. For example, in the late 1800’s, ‘acquaintance cards’ were a slick way of establishing a meeting. The cards were emblazoned with notes meant to spark conversation with, or express interest in women. Imagine if you got your Tinder bio printed on business cards and then started giving them to random strangers. That was how they flirted in the 1880s.
Here’s a few samples that we found particularly interesting:
We tend to think that one of our current ways of finding potential love interests, via online, is pretty cutting edge. But the process of staring, judging, and messaging potential suitors from afar—hallmarks of modern dating apps—is not new. Beginning in the 1920s, nightclub-goers in Berlin who feared face-to-face encounters could communicate with beautiful strangers from across a crowded room. All they needed to do was turn to the nearest pneumatic tube.
Two Berlin nightclubs pioneered the trend – the Resi and the Femina. In addition to food, drink, live bands, and large dance floors, each had an elaborate system of table phones and pneumatic tubes allowing for anonymous, late-night flirtation between complete strangers. Phones were fixed to individual tables, above which was a lighted number. Singles needed only to look around the room until a fetching stranger caught their eye, note the number, and then direct a message to that table.
In 1931, during the heyday of this across-the-nightclub flirtation, The Berliner Herold described the process of receiving a call from an amorous stranger: “the tabletop telephones buzzed, and the acquaintance with the blonde, raven-haired or redheaded, or monocle-wearing beauty was made, one was no longer alone, and had twice as much fun.”
For those who were too shy to pick up the phone, the pneumatic tubes offered a perfect alternative. The tubes were built into the handrails, and one was located at each table. The nightclub provided paper on which to scrawl notes. Patrons only had to specify where they wanted their missives sent. Just like messaging on a dating app, but with, you know - tubes. Eager flirters needed to be careful however because messages sent by tube were checked by female ‘censors’ in the switchboard room in an early form of comment moderation.
This “table mail service” allowed patrons to send more than just a handwritten note to that handsome stranger across the way. The Resi offered a long menu of gifts that visitors could dispatch via pneumatic tube including perfume bottles, cigar cutters, travel plans, and, according to sources, cocaine.
Which neatly brings us right up to the present, where navigating the maze of flirting and finding dates resembles a high-stakes game of romantic-roulette. Enter Tinder, the digital den of desire where swiping right has become the digital equivalent of winking across a crowded bar. Here, hopeful’s upload their most flattering selfies and craft witty taglines in the pursuit of that elusive swipe of approval. It's like window shopping for companionship, where a well-timed swipe can land you a date faster than you can say, "Is this pic Insta-worthy?"
The Tinder dance begins with a flick of the finger. Left for "nah, not my type," and right for "hello, potential soulmate." (Though that might be overstating the true intent…). It's a delicate balance of judging books by their cover while hoping for a plot twist worthy of an adult movie. And let's not forget the art of the bio - a canvas for showcasing your personality in 500 characters or less – remember those acquaintance cards?
Yet, amidst the chaos, connections can spark like digital fireworks, leading to flirtatious banter and more. In this brave new world of digital courtship, love may be just a swipe away, but so is a perplexing array of unsolicited eggplant emojis. So, strap in and swipe on, for the Tinder rollercoaster stops for no one.
Diving deeper into the flirting jungle is Bumble, the queen bee of empowerment in the digital dating hive (at some point, Ovid probably said something to the effect of, “we are but drones to the queen”).
In this realm, women wield the scepter of initiation, as matches languish in limbo until a decision is made to make the first move. Here, women reign supreme in the art of courtship (though there was that whole thing with the apple that sorta started all this…). With its buzzing hive of potential suitors, Bumble offers a twist on the traditional dating dynamic.
So, gentlemen, as you enter the royal court prepare, for in the realm of Bumble, it's the queen bees who call the shots.
For still more opportunities, enter Hinge, the digital matchmaker with a penchant for serendipity and shared connections.
Here, compatibility reigns supreme as users curate their profiles with a smorgasbord of conversation starters and quirky anecdotes. It's like attending a digital cocktail party where everyone knows someone you know, and the six degrees of separation collapse into a single swipe. But then, who needs cocktails and small talk when you’ve got a Nobel-Prize-winning algothorim?
With its emphasis on meaningful connections and curated conversations, Hinge offers a breath of fresh air in the sometimes murky waters of online dating that many are skinny dipping in. Hinge labs researchers claim to be ‘love scientists’. Kinda like the Masters & Johnson’s of the 21st century we guess.
And now, the end of our look at the timeless art of flirtation is near. Through these few examples we’ve tried to illustrate the diverse and imaginative ways in which humans have expressed romantic interest and courtship through the years, highlighting the universal desire for connection and intimacy across cultures and time periods.
In the intricate tapestry of human history, the art of flirting has woven its threads through the ages, evolving and adapting to the changing landscapes of society. From the grandiose gestures of ancient Rome to the coded language of Victorian courtship, to the digital dance floors of today’s dating apps, the methods may have shifted, but the underlying desire for connection remains unchanged.
In today's digital age, the landscape of flirting has undergone a profound transformation, with new avenues for connection and exploration coming with each phone update. Technology has opened a new world of possibilities for modern romantics. Yet, amidst the algorithms and emojis, the fundamental essence of flirting remains unchanged—a dance of vulnerability, courage, and hope in the pursuit of love and connection. As we navigate this brave new world of digital courtship, let’s not forget the timeless wisdom of the ages and continue to embrace the journey of the heart with a willing and adventurous spirit!
By the way Flirting Day is celebrated on February 18th so mark your calendars.
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