War, what is it good for?

War. Noun: a state of armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state.

Verb: to engage in a war

War is a noble and heroic undertaking. That’s what we tell ourselves, anyway. When we think of events like World War II, we look back on the “good guys” fighting against evil forces, vanquishing them, and maybe, just maybe, making the world a better place. It’s easy to romanticize it when it’s all wrapped up in black-and-white newsreels, with flags fluttering and grand speeches about freedom and justice. But for every story of courage and sacrifice, there’s an equally baffling tale of pettiness, miscommunication, and downright stupidity. Because, beneath all that rhetoric is the dirty, messy business of human conflict - a stage where rationality takes a back seat, and egos and petty squabbles get dressed up in medals.

We don’t believe it’s because we humans are incapable of reason; it’s just that, whenever egos are involved and the stakes are high, rationality often decides to take an extended vacation. Take a look at history and you’ll see wars started over everything from who gets to keep a bucket to diplomatic slights so minor you’d think they were invented for sitcom plotlines. Somehow, we’ve managed to turn disagreements into bloodbaths on a regular basis, as if the only way to settle disputes is to turn them into sprawling military productions.

And that is where the real stupidity of war lies - not in the idea of fighting for something you believe in, but in the things we choose to fight over. Land, resources, pride, ears… it’s all up for grabs. The absurdity of war isn’t just limited to its origins. It seeps into every aspect of the endeavor. Generals issuing baffling orders, soldiers fighting for reasons they barely understand, and civilians ending up as collateral damage in what amounts to little more than a pissing contest with uniforms. And yet, we march on - time and again - convinced that this war, this time, is different. Spoiler alert: it almost never is.

As the world around us seems to be spinning more out of control every day, we thought this might be a good time to pause for a look at some of the most ridiculous causes of wars over the course of time.  

“When a war breaks out, people say: "It's too stupid; it can't last long." But though a war may well be "too stupid," that doesn't prevent its lasting. Stupidity has a knack of getting its way; as we should see if we were not always so much wrapped up in ourselves.”

Albert Camus, The Plague

The War of Jenkins's Ear (1739-42)

How Did It Start? The War of Jenkins’s Ear stands as a curious testament to Britain’s knack for turning minor grievances into full-blown conflicts. It all began when the British ship ‘Rebecca’ was boarded by Spanish Coast Guards in 1731. British Captain Robert Jenkins claimed the Spaniards, in a moment that could only be described as overzealous, sliced off his ear. It’s not every day you hear of a war starting over a body part (and we’ve no idea who had the bigger ear), but there you have it.

At the time, British-Spanish relations had been teetering on the brink for a while, but war had been avoided largely due to the efforts of Prime Minister Sir Thomas Walpole, whose approach to diplomacy could best be described as insipid. By 1739, however, Britain was itching for a bit of action. So, eight years after the incident, they dusted off Jenkins and paraded him before Parliament, his severed ear in tow, prompting an outcry that screamed for retribution.

After all, who wouldn’t want to go to war over an ear?

What Happened Next? The war itself unfolded rather lacklusterly, with British and Spanish naval forces facing off in the Caribbean like reluctant dance partners at a wedding. As the years dragged on, this minor skirmish morphed into the War of Austrian Succession, a proper continental mess that managed to engulf Europe in chaos. Half a million casualties later, what began as a spat over an ear escalated into a spectacle that had little to do with Jenkins and everything to do with a web of alliances and rivalries that had everyone feeling rather important.

Who Won? In the end, the Spanish claimed a diplomatic victory, which is a bit like winning a consolation prize for a game no one wanted to play. The whole affair fizzled out into an epic tangle of larger wars, leaving Jenkins and his ear to fade into history. One has to wonder if perhaps a nice hat would have sufficed instead.

“There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and like it, never care for anything else thereafter.”

Ernest Hemingway

The Battle of Karansebes (1788)

How Did It Start? If you’re ever in the mood for a military disaster that doesn’t even involve an enemy, the Battle of Karansebes should do the trick. It took place in 1788, during a war between the Habsburg Empire and the Ottoman Empire, though it’s hard to say the Ottomans had much to do with it. The Austrian army, marching through modern-day Romania, set up camp for the night. Things started to go downhill when a group of scouts from the Austrian army stumbled across some local traders selling schnapps.

And, since nothing says military discipline like a makeshift bar in the woods, they promptly started drinking.

Soon enough, other Austrian soldiers arrived and wanted in on the schnapps action. The boozy scouts refused and set up makeshift fortifications in what probably seemed a really funny idea at the time. Things got heated, an argument broke out, someone got too excited and fired a shot. Then all hell broke loose as infantry and scouts started firing wildly at each other. The infantry, in a state of confusion, began shouting that the Turks were attacking them. Panic spread through the drunken soldiers, and someone shouted, “The Turks are coming!” - which was absolutely not true, but the Austrians weren’t in the mood to fact-check.

What Happened Next? What followed was nothing short of a farce. In the chaos, different Austrian units started firing at each other, convinced they were being ambushed by the Ottoman army. The Austrian army was made up of soldiers from several countries and they spoke different languages. So, when the German-speaking officers started shouting "Halt! Halt!" in their own language, the non-German-speakers mistook it for cries of, "Allah! Allah!" 

Cavalry charged through the camp, infantry fired blindly into the night, artillery was fired, and the entire Austrian army descended into a chaotic retreat, all while their actual enemy - the Ottomans – were, of course, nowhere to be found. Commanders tried to regain control, but with everyone yelling about Turks that weren’t there, things just spiraled further into madness. By morning, thousands of Austrian troops had either fled, been trampled, or accidentally shot by their own comrades.

Who Won? Technically, no one won, but if there was a loser, it was definitely the Austrian army. By the time the Ottomans actually arrived at Karansebes a few days later, they found the battlefield littered with nearly 10,000 dead and wounded Austrians - with not a single shot having been fired by an Ottoman soldier.

“The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.”

General Norman Schwarzkopf

The Flagpole War (1845-46)

How Did It Start? In 1840, British troops were doing what they usually did, which was hang around a country that was not their own. Specifically New Zealand and the town of Kororareka. It was a place of brothels, grog-holes and gambling dens, and was filled with people who spent their days having comical bar fights. The British went ahead and hoisted the Union Jack over the town, figuring nobody would mind. Cause who doesn't love the Union Jack?

Well, it turns out Maori chief Hone Heke wasn’t particularly fond of it. He and his warriors rode into town and chopped down the flagpole, apparently figuring they wouldn't actually be ruled by the British as long as the flag wasn't there.

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

What Happened Next? The British were not amused and erected a new flagpole, which Heke chopped down just as swiftly, and a third replaced it, only to be felled again. Then a fourth was erected and was reinforced with iron and had an armed guard. 

Back in England, the House of Commons decided that Heke and his people had no right to chop down flagpoles and live unmolested in their own country and declared that lessons needed to be taught. Helpful missionaries carried this information to Heke, who was less than impressed. Additional British troops were sent to put an end to the “rebellion,” and the Maori forces, using guerrilla tactics and a strong network of fortified pā (traditional Maori fortresses), held their ground. There were skirmishes, ambushes, and even sieges, with the Maori proving to be a formidable opponent.

Despite the British army’s superior numbers and firepower, this war was no easy win for them. In fact, it dragged on for a good year, with both sides taking heavy losses. It became clear that the Māori weren’t just going to hand over their land and independence because the British happened to like waving their flag around.

Who Won? Like many colonial conflicts, it’s hard to say anyone truly “won”. The war dragged on for 10 bloody months. The British managed to quash Heke's rebellion over time, and eventually stopped replanting their flagspole – because, really, what was the point anymore. As for Hone Heke, he came out of it with his mana (prestige) intact, having cut down more British flagpoles than anyone could have reasonably expected.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

Albert Einstein

The War for the Stray Dog (1925)

How Did It Start? As far as international incidents go, the War for the Stray Dog is up there with the most ridiculous. In 1925, along the tense border between Greece and Bulgaria, a Greek soldier’s dog wandered off across the border into Bulgarian territory. Like any devoted pet owner, the Greek soldier decided to go after it. Unfortunately, the soldier found that crossing into Bulgaria wasn’t exactly a casual stroll in the park as he was shot and killed by Bulgarian troops. What should have been a minor incident involving a runaway dog blew up into a diplomatic nightmare.

In retaliation, the Greeks demanded a public apology, prosecution of the soldiers involved and be paid compensation of $50,000, all of which the Bulgarians refused. Within days, Greek forces were marching into Bulgarian towns, sparking a brief but heated conflict. All because of a dog.

What Happened Next? The situation escalated quickly, with both sides exchanging fire and tensions mounting across the region. But before things could spiral further, the League of Nations - the world’s first attempt at international peacekeeping - stepped in and told everyone to calm down. The League ordered Greece to withdraw its troops and pay $50,000 in reparations to Bulgaria, which Greece reluctantly did, tail between its legs.

Who Won? In the end, no one could really claim victory in this bizarre border skirmish. Bulgaria got some reparations, and Greece learned that invading another country over a dog was probably not their best decision.  

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”

Sun Tzu

The War of the Golden Stool (1900)

How Did It Start? The War of the Golden Stool could easily be mistaken for an argument over furniture if you didn’t know better. In 1900, the British colonial governor of the African Gold Coast, Sir Frederick Hodgson, made what might be the most tone-deaf demand in imperial history. He insisted that the Ashanti people hand over the Golden Stool - a sacred symbol of the Ashanti kingdom's very soul - so he could sit on it. To the Ashanti, this suggested ass-defiling of their heritage and customs wasn’t just a bad case of cultural misunderstanding; it was a full-on assault on their identity. The stool wasn’t just a throne - it was the embodiment of their nation’s spirit and independence.

Unsurprisingly, this didn’t go over well. Enter Yaa Asantewaa, the Queen Mother of Ejisu, who, with a mix of fury and fierce leadership, rallied the Ashanti people. The British might have seen themselves as lords of the land, but Yaa Asantewaa wasn’t having it. If the British wanted the Golden Stool, they’d have to fight for it - and they’d be fighting the entire Ashanti kingdom.

What Happened Next? What followed was a war that probably made the British rethink their casual demands. Yaa Asantewaa led a remarkable resistance, organizing guerrilla attacks and even laying siege to British forts. The British, accustomed to quick victories over “lesser” peoples, found themselves stuck in a drawn-out battle they hadn’t bargained for.

The Ashanti were outgunned and outnumbered but they fought fiercely, fueled by their devotion to the stool and everything it represented. For months, the British struggled to gain the upper hand, while Yaa Asantewaa and her warriors kept them off balance.

Who Won? In the end, the British did manage to suppress the rebellion, capturing Yaa Asantewaa and exiling her, thus bringing the war to a close. But for all their might, they never got their hands on the Golden Stool itself, which had been hidden away by the Ashanti throughout the conflict. The British may have won on paper, but symbolically, the Ashanti achieved a victory by keeping their most cherished symbol out of foreign hands. Thousands of Ashanti lives were lost, and the British cemented their colonial control, but the Golden Stool - and the spirit of the Ashanti people - remained untouchable.

“If it’s natural to kill, how come men have to go into training to learn how?”

Joan Baez

The Football War (1970)

How Did It Start? If you ever doubted that soccer (or football, depending on where you’re from) could start a war, the Football War between El Salvador and Honduras will prove you wrong. In 1970, tensions between the two countries were already high due to land disputes and immigration issues. Hondurans felt the Salvadorans living in their country were taking jobs and resources meant for Honduran natives.

But the spark came from a series of World Cup qualifying matches. What should’ve been a standard soccer rivalry quickly escalated into something far more explosive. After a few particularly heated matches - where violence broke out both on and off the field - national pride turned into full-scale hostility. By the time El Salvador won the final game, war was more or less inevitable.

Of course, it wasn’t just about soccer. The football matches were simply the final straw, with the sport serving as a stand-in for much deeper grievances.

What Happened Next? On July 14, 1970, El Salvador launched a military attack on Honduras, sending troops and planes across the border. The fighting was fierce but chaotic, with both sides struggling to gain any real advantage. For four days, the two nations exchanged artillery fire, aerial bombings, and ground assaults. It was one of those conflicts where neither side seemed quite sure what they were fighting for anymore, other than pride and a sense of unresolved bitterness. The international community, likely shaking their heads in disbelief, quickly stepped in, and after 100 hours of combat, a ceasefire was brokered by the Organization of American States.

Who Won? Technically, no one. The war lasted only four days, killing around 3,000 people and leaving both countries with a lot of destruction and not much to show for it. El Salvador managed to push into Honduran territory but was forced to withdraw after the ceasefire. In the end, the border disputes weren’t solved, the immigrants weren’t welcomed back, and the World Cup trophy certainly didn’t go to either country. The Football War stands as a tragic reminder of what happens when national tensions boil over - and yes, even sports can be the tipping point for a conflict where no one really wins.

“Can anything be stupider than that a man has the right to kill me because he lives on the other side of a river and his ruler has a quarrel with mine, though I have not quarreled with him?”

Blaise Pascal

The War for the Bucket (1325)

How Did It Start? The War for the Bucket sounds like something you'd expect from a Monty Python sketch, but it was very real - and just as ridiculous as it sounds. In 1325, tensions between two Italian city-states, Modena and Bologna, were already simmering. These two had a long history of rivalry, but what pushed things over the edge was, of all things, a wooden bucket. Yes, really. It all started when a group of Modenese soldiers snuck into Bologna and stole a bucket from a well. Apparently, this bucket was too precious for Bologna to let slide, and the theft was seen as a direct insult to their honor.

Now, to be clear, the bucket itself wasn’t that important. The real issue was the ongoing struggle for power and influence in northern Italy, with Modena being loyal to the Holy Roman Emperor and Bologna siding with the Pope. But somehow, in the minds of medieval Italians, this wooden pail became the last straw.

What Happened Next? The two sides met at the Battle of Zappolino, where a Bolognese army of 32,000 soldiers clashed with Modena’s 7,000 troops. Despite the numbers, the Modenese forces pulled off an impressive win, routing Bologna’s forces, with over 2,000 men lost, and sending them into a humiliating retreat.  The Modenese troops then burned swathes of the city and destroyed the sluice that fed water into the city before returning home to celebrate. It wasn’t exactly a long war - the whole thing lasted a single day - but it left its mark. Modena, riding high on victory, not only kept the stolen bucket but marched home triumphantly with it, rubbing salt in the wound.

Who Won? The short answer: Modena. They won the battle, kept the bucket, and scored a significant moral victory over their rivals. Bologna, on the other hand, suffered a blow to both their pride and their military reputation. And yes, that wooden bucket remained in Modena’s possession, where it’s still on display today – 800 years later - as a trophy of one of history’s most bizarre conflicts.

So, while thousands of soldiers fought and died for power, politics, and pride, history will forever remember it as the war fought over a bucket.

“I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity.”

Dwight D. Eisenhower

After looking back at these ridiculous reasons why humans have gone to war throughout our history, we think it should make us stop and ask ourselves, as we did at the beginning – War, what is it good for?

Maybe the right question to ask is: what is it bad for? Beyond the obvious - human life, civilization, the earth we stand on - it's bad for our collective sanity. The reasons we’ve stumbled into conflicts over the centuries often range from the trivial to the outright absurd. From ears to dogs, flagpoles to buckets, humanity has repeatedly shown that it can turn even the pettiest slight into a bloodbath. Yet, no matter how many absurd wars we point to from our past, the madness continues, as if we just can't resist the age-old urge to throw a few punches - preferably in uniform.

Fast forward to today, and it seems little has changed. While we like to imagine we've evolved past all that ear-slicing, schnapps-fueled madness, the grim reality unfolding in places like Ukraine and the Middle East says otherwise. Sure, the stakes are different - territory, power, geopolitical chess - but scratch the surface and little has changed. It’s still largely about pride, fear, and our inability to resolve differences without resorting to violence. The complexities of modern warfare don’t change the fact that many conflicts could be avoided if humans didn’t cling so tightly to what’s "theirs."

So here we are, trapped in an ever-evolving version of our own global “Groundhog Day” in which we’ve traded wooden buckets for tanks and diplomatic slights for missiles. Still, we go on, spilling blood and treasure because history, apparently, is one lesson we’re determined not to learn.

So, what is war good for? Maybe it’s just a cruel reminder that no matter how much we advance, we’re always one misunderstanding away from catastrophe. Until we learn to get out of our own way, our collective absurdity will keep marching on, and wars - over buckets, and borders, and ears - will remain an unfortunate hallmark of our shared human legacy.

#war #history #britain #usa #russia #middleeast #spain #austria #ottoman #newzealand #africa #ghana #haka #greece #bulgaria #ukraine #football #soccer #worldcup #italy #israel #palestine #iran #humor #montypython #anyhigh